Friday, October 15, 2010

Andreas Baader

"I'm such a sociopath they named a psychiatric disorder after me." 

If you're a high school dropout with a badass streak and some time to burn, what the fuck else is there to do but kill it? That's what Andreas Baader probably asked himself as he roared down a backcountry road in a stolen Porsche with a handful of some beer frau's hair in his fist and a glint of a crazy in his eye.  When Jean-Paul Sartre went to visit him in Stammheim prison he summed up this would be revolutionary leader in two words: “Quel con.”

“What a fucking bourgeois question! We’ll just do it, or we’ll die trying.”

Andreas Baader was born bad, but a botched brain operation probably helped, too. With a propensity for stealing cars, unloading guns, and a magnetism that 1971 Mick Jagger would be awed by, Baader literally tore apart German society, leaving a string of bowlegged and jaded activist chicks and dead bodies in his wake. He bombed a department store just to make statement, then in an audacious act of killin' it got a bunch of groupies to break him out of prison shortly after.

Baader brought his clique to Jordan to kick it with some Arab militants and shoot guns in the desert, but was so busy cavorting with his numerous sycophantic acolytes and expelling half-baked political maxims that the Arabs kicked him out. Not to be crossed, a few years later Baader got some of his more extreme comrades from Palestine to hijack a jet – a stunt that got them all killed. Lesson: When Andreas Baader is balls deep in the desert, you can either put out or shut up.

Whether it was robbing banks, or convincing some chick to rob a bank for him, Baader was distilling political theory to its purest form that can basically be summed up with: "Man was made to kill it and this thing isn’t gonna suck itself."  When German authorities threw him in the slammer his group of coddled, idiot upper-middle-class-suburban-punks-turned-RAF-urban-guerilla-devotees immediately went on a streak of high level political assassinations culminating in the storming of the German embassy in Stockholm.

"Okay, write some bullshit like that. The radical left-wing jerk-offs love that shit."

Baader eventually was forced into runnin' things behind bars, during which time he got lawyers to smuggle in weapons and got other floozies to do crime for him - just by calling them. He also got his bighouse women to turn on another woman until she killed herself, basically inventing Facebook bullying but way more audaciously. All the while he made a complete mockery of the German justice system, reading some crazy diatribes while pissing in the middle of the court and turning in circles.

In the end Andreas Baader went out by his own hand, his last words being: "Isolation is torture; especially when you’ve spent the last twenty years totally killin' it.