Thursday, November 11, 2010

Charlie Sheen

"I've got volumes on how not to behave. I've got more information now than a guy should have at my age."

What is killing it? When you write off the cost of trashing a hotel room, lose a $150,000 watch, and forget to pay the hooker you were just blowing more coke than Mick Fleetwood ever did in the 70’s with as just another night. Because it is: For Charlie Sheen. Charlie was such a prolific user of Heidi Fleiss' services that he had every single speed dial button on every phone in his house programmed to her number. McKinsey once used a night in the life of Charlie Sheen in order to research a study on the social benefits of legalizing hard drugs and prostitution. The McKinsey consultants were never seen again.

"The way I look at it, if you have expensive tastes, you gotta be prepared for expensive losses. If a guy has one bad night everybody goes insane and panics... I'm not panicking."

Charlie Sheen probably knew he was killin’ it when he’d wake up looking like Ronnie Wood after a two week bender circa Tattoo You, but when you're the one thing that cocaine, high class prostitutes and the best movie of all time (Hot Shots Part Deux) has in common, it's what you come to expect.  And such is the case for America’s favorite bon vivant, a man for whom Kobe beef doesn’t refer to an Asian delicacy, but slamming Kobe Bryant’s wife while he’s out of town playing the Chicago Bulls. Charlie Sheen's killin'-it lifestyle casts such a broad shadow, his brother was forced to change his name in an ill-conceived attempt to get out from under it only to find himself thrown aside by the booze and cocaine fueled train-wreck that is Charlie Sheen.

"Sure, I did a lot of things in excess. But if you look at the core, the foundation of what I pursued, what red-blooded young American male in my position wouldn't?" 

To prepare for Wall Street in true Brando fashion, Sheen researched his role by taking a high level position at Goldman Sachs, eventually taking over their Trading & Principal Investments unit, where if he wasn’t giving Jon Corzine a mind-blowingly massive wedgie he was probably cornering the pork bellies market in a way that would have made Sir John Templeton go into retirement at the height of his career. When Shia Labeouf was given Sheen's role in Wall Street II, Oliver Stone was forced to make Shia look like less of a bitch. One method? Put Shia on a strict regimen of indulgence, luxury and immoderation.

"I loved you in Wall Street!" 

If you ever find yourself in a town that looks like the Russian Army circa 1944 just passed through, chances are Charlie Sheen had probably been there within the last five years. Robert Downey Jr. tried to hang with Sheen in the mid nineties, a period of his life that nearly ended his career and left him addicted to hard drugs, eventually leading to his arrest for possession of heroin, cocaine and an unregistered .357 while hurtling down Sunset Blvd at a 120 per in a desperate attempt to abscond from Charlie’s realm of debauchery and over the top profligacy.  In the end Charlie got Robert's girlfriend and Robert got three years.

 "Slash sat me down at his house and said, ‘You've got to clean up your act.’ You know you've gone too far when Slash is saying, ‘Look, you've got to get into rehab.’"

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